I recounted some Stirlitz jokes last time. Here are some more…..
Stirlitz and Kathe are walking through the park. A gunshot rings out. Kathe falls. Blood flows. Stirlitz, relying on his keen instincts, immediately gets suspicious.
On May Day, Stirlitz put on his Red Army cap, grabbed a red banner and marched up and down the corridors of the Reich Security Office singing the Internationale and other revolutionary songs. Never before had Stirlitz been so close to failure.
In the Reich Security Office, Müller, Himmler, and Bormann are all standing in the cafeteria line, patiently waiting their turn. Stirlitz enters and passes everyone as he strides directly to the head of the queue. He is served immediately. Müller, Himmler and Bormann are baffled. What they didn’t know is that a Hero of the Soviet Union has the right to receive service without having to stand in line.
Bormann and Muller having a coffee in Muller’s office. Once they see Stirlitz sneaks in and steals a lot of secret documents from the vault.
Who was this one ? asks the stunned Bormann.
This one? The Red Army’s best agent in Berlin, replies Muller
And why don’t you catch him ??? asks Bormann
Muller frowns. Eh, I keep trying for years now, but he always slips out of my hands..
Bormann wakes up at 03:00 at the sound of someone bashing on his door. When he opened the door, he sees a man in snowsuit with ski-equipment and parachute on his back.
- The elephants are going to the north!!! said the stranger with a strong Russian accent.
- The elephants are going to the Hell! replied Bormann angrily. Stirlitz lives one story upstairs!
Stirlitz blasted the door open with a mighty kick and discreetly tiptoed toward Müller who was reading a paper.
The end of the war. In the Reichstag everybody sits in depression. Hitler walks around in the building desperately, but no one gives a damn about him. Finally he enters in Stirlitz’s office. Stirlitz jumps up:
Hitler, replies in a tired voice:
At least YOU don’t bully me, Maximovich!
Stirlitz wakes up to find out he has been arrested. “Who got me? Which name should I use?” he wonders. “Let’s see. If they wear black uniforms, I’ll say I’m Standartenführer Stirlitz. If they wear green uniforms, I’m Colonel Isayev”. The door opens and a policeman in a blue uniform comes in saying: “You really should ease up on the vodka, Comrade Tikhonov!”
(Вячеслав Васильевич Тихонов….oh, sorry again, I mean Vyacheslav Vasilyevich Tikhonov portrayed Stirlitz in the television series.