Stirlitz jokes – the funniest I have ever read II

I recounted some Stirlitz jokes last time. Here are some more…..

Stirlitz and Kathe are walking through the park. A gunshot rings out. Kathe falls. Blood flows. Stirlitz, relying on his keen instincts, immediately gets suspicious.

On May Day, Stirlitz put on his Red Army cap, grabbed a red banner and marched up and down the corridors of the Reich Security Office singing the Internationale and other revolutionary songs. Never before had Stirlitz been so close to failure.
In the Reich Security Office, Müller, Himmler, and Bormann are all standing in the cafeteria line, patiently waiting their turn. Stirlitz enters and passes everyone as he strides directly to the head of the queue. He is served immediately. Müller, Himmler and Bormann are baffled. What they didn’t know is that a Hero of the Soviet Union has the right to receive service without having to stand in line.

Bormann and Muller having a coffee in Muller’s office. Once they see Stirlitz sneaks in and steals a lot of secret documents from the vault.
Who was this one ? asks the stunned Bormann.
This one? The Red Army’s best agent in Berlin, replies Muller
And why don’t you catch him ??? asks Bormann
Muller frowns. Eh, I keep trying for years now, but he always slips out of my hands..

Bormann wakes up at 03:00 at the sound of someone bashing on his door. When he opened the door, he sees a man in snowsuit with ski-equipment and parachute on his back.
– The elephants are going to the north!!! said the stranger with a strong Russian accent.
– The elephants are going to the Hell! replied Bormann angrily. Stirlitz lives one story upstairs!

Stirlitz blasted the door open with a mighty kick and discreetly tiptoed toward Müller who was reading a paper.

The end of the war. In the Reichstag everybody sits in depression. Hitler walks around in the building desperately, but no one gives a damn about him. Finally he enters in Stirlitz’s office. Stirlitz jumps up:
Heil, Hitler!
Hitler, replies in a tired voice:
At least YOU don’t bully me, Maximovich!

Stirlitz wakes up to find out he has been arrested. “Who got me? Which name should I use?” he wonders. “Let’s see. If they wear black uniforms, I’ll say I’m Standartenführer Stirlitz. If they wear green uniforms, I’m Colonel Isayev”. The door opens and a policeman in a blue uniform comes in saying: “You really should ease up on the vodka, Comrade Tikhonov!”

(Вячеслав Васильевич Тихонов….oh, sorry again, I mean Vyacheslav Vasilyevich Tikhonov portrayed Stirlitz in the television series.


4 responses to this post.

  1. […] Stirlitz jokes – the funniest I have ever read II February 2010 5 […]


  2. Posted by johnwcowan on January 30, 2012 at 21:43

    Agent X knocks on an apartment door in Tel Aviv at 3 A.M. Horowitz answers the door.

    Agent X says, “The oranges are good this year in Valencia.”

    “Hanh?” says Horowitz blearily?

    Agent X repeats with emphasis: “The oranges — are good — this year — in Valencia!”

    Horowitz’s face clears. “Ah! I’m Horowitz the tailor. You want Horowitz the spy — Apartment 4B.”


  3. Posted by Tim on September 5, 2013 at 06:24

    Muller asks:
    – Stirlitz, are you Jew?
    – I’m Russian!
    – Well, I’m a German…

    * * *
    Stirlitz with the red star on his hat and USSR medals walks the streets of Berlin.
    A group of fully equipped SS troops on bikes rides towards him.
    – Rockers! – Thought Stirlitz
    – Fancy clothings! – Thought SS troopers

    * * *
    Bormann comes into his office and sees Stirlitz standing relaxed by an opened safe.
    – Got im Himmel, Stirlizt! What are you doing here?!
    – Waiting for the tram!
    – Oh… Ok, then!… – says Bormann and leaves the room.
    “Wait a second. What kind of tram can there be in my office?” – thinks Bormann outside suddenly. He rams into the office only to find an empty safe inside.
    – Damn! He did catch that tram!

    * * *
    Stirlitz was falling from the 7th floor but merely by wonder had caught on the 3dr floor’s balcony rails. Next day his Wonder swelled up and hurt so badly it was really hard for him to walk.

    * * *
    Stirlitz walks the street and sees a cat sitting on garbage bins.
    – Hm, that’s quite unusual for Germans to dump a still useful cat -thought Stirlitz

    * * *
    corrected version:
    Bormann and Muller having a coffee in Muller’s office. Stirlitz with a tray full of oranges walks in, puts the tray to the table, takes the secret documents from the vault and leaves.
    Who was this one ? asks the stunned Bormann.
    This one? Stirlitz -the Red Army’s best agent in Berlin, replies Muller
    And why don’t you arrest him ??? asks Bormann
    Muller frowns. Eh, he will wriggle out as always!.. Will say he brought us oranges!…


  4. Posted by BS on January 5, 2014 at 22:44

    Stirlitz found Muller lying dead in the office. “Yeah, no doubts, poisoned” thought Stirlitz, looking at axe punched in Muller’s chest.


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