How Leonid Ilyich had the last laugh….II

I recounted some jokes about Comrade Brezhnev in the previous post… Here are some more.

A variant of one in the last post.

Идет Брежнев в пасху по Кремлю, его приветствуют: “Христос Воскрес!”, он кивнул и идет дальше. Снова: “Христос Воскрес!”, а Брежнев отвечает: “Я знаю, мне уже доложили.” (for for those who didn’t understand)  At Easter, Brezhnev is walking in the Kremlin when he is greeted with the traditional, “Christ has risen!” Brezhnev nods and walks on. Again someone says, “Christ has risen!” And Brezhnev answers: “I know, it’s already been reported to me.”

A news item: “The Central Committee of the Communist Party advises that after a long illness, comrade Brezhnev returned to his duties, without regaining consciousness.”

Brezhnev comes to address a big party meeting, and starts:
“Dear Comrade Imperialists,”
The whole hall perks up .”What did he say??”  delegates ask each other. A perturbed Brezhnev begins again… “Dear Comrade Imperialists,”
By now the hall is in pandemonium. An advisor hurriedly walks over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. “Oh…” he muttered, and started again: “Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere.”

Brezhnev is on an excursion in London and his attention is caught by a statue. Brezhnev (pointing at the statue): “Who is that?”  Guide: “Shakespeare.” Brezhnev: “I know him. He wrote Winnie-the-Pooh.” Guide: “No, that was A A Milne.” Brezhnev: “I don’t understand capitalism. The author of Winnie-the-Pooh is A A Milne but the statue is of Shakespeare.”

Brezhnev wakes up with a terrible hangover, cannot remember the previous night and, strangely, can’t find anybody around. No people at all. Then a phone rings and it’s Kosygin: “Leonid, you got really drunk yesterday. And you ordered to open the borders.”“Oh, no! So you and I are the only ones left here?!” – “Well, I’m actually calling from Switzerland…”

Brezhnev sat in his office playing with the medal of the Lenin prize winner he was given for the three books that were published under his name.
Suslov walked in. Brezhnev said, “Suslov, have you read my book “The Small Land?”
“Of course, Leonid Ilyich. It’s a marvelous book, very important, especially for our youth.”
“Are you sincere?”
“Of course, Leonid Ilyich. Did I ever lie to you?”
“Good. Then call Kosygin.”
Kosygin walked in.
“Mikhail Petrovich!”
“I am not Mikhail Petrovich.”
“Devil. Then Petr Mikhailovich.”
“I am not Petr Mikhailovich.”
“It’s enough of interrupting me. Tell me, have you read my book “The Small Land?”
“Of course, it’s a great book. I am re-reading it for the third time.”
“Everybody likes my book,”
Brezhnev said, playing with the Lenin Prize medal. “I am thinking, maybe I should also read it one day?”

And two of the best:

The government announced a contest for the best monument honoring the great Russian poet Pushkin. The third prize was given to a project for a monument which showed Brezhnev reading a book by Pushkin. The second prize was given for a project suggesting a monument that would show Pushkin reading a book authored by Brezhnev. The first prize: Brezhnev reading a book by Brezhnev.

Reagan, Mitterand, and Brezhnev met. Each too out a cigarette case. Reagan’s golden case bore an inscription, “To dear Ron from Hollywood friends.”
The inscription on Mitterand’s case read “To my beloved Francie from his faithful wife.” Then Brezhnev opened his golden and diamond-studded cigarette case whose lid was adorned with the inscription “To Pushkin from Prince Vyazemsky.”

And this one too –

A Russian and an American were frozen and revived one hundred years later. They both died at once. The American died because he heard a radio broadcast that said, “Collective farms of Oklahoma and Minnesota report to the Central Committee of the Party on the fulfillment of their socialist obligations….”
And the Russian died because he heard a radio broadcast that said, “At the 246th Congress of the Party, the General Secretary, Comrade Brezhnev said….”

But despite all this, Brezhnev has had the last laugh…. as the title holds. A Public Opinion Foundation poll conducted in 2006 showed that a staggering 61 percent of the Russian people viewed Brezhnev’s era as good for the country. And this was in 2006 when VVP had brought back order, not the chaos of the Yeltsin era. Research by the prestigious research organisation ВЦИОМ, I mean the All-Russian Public Opinion Research Center (VTsIOM) in 2007 showed that most of the Russian people would like to live during Brezhnev’s era rather than any other period of Russian history during the 20th century.


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