“Authors” from Whose Line Is It Anyway? II

Some more examples from the Authors game on Whose Line Is It Anyway? where the performers act out a scene suggested by the studio audience, choosing an author or writing style. It was pure mayhem!!

Crocodile Killers from Hell, with Stephen Fry as Salman Rushdie
Josie Lawrence as Barbara Cartland, Paul Merton – A combination of a sex manual and The Highway Code, and John Sessions as Griff Rhys Jones’ “My Life in the Theatre” .

Stephen: (hides behind his chair at the back of the set)

Josie: “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” said Nick, softly and yet manfully. “I didn’t mean to buy you that crocodile and I didn’t realise it was the devil’s work!” Amanda stood there alluringly looking at Nick. A tall lithe woman who belied her thirty-five years of age. Silk lingerie fell neatly over her firm high breasts and her delicate hair was pulled back in a chimion. “Oh Nick…”

Paul: Oh that was a shame, wasn’t it? It was going very well there. Nick suddenly thought of the words that his mother had given to him, the golden advice: “Always wear a condom on a zebra crossing.” It was something that he was never to forget, also “Never drive a truck in a nude.” He used his insolent techniques to take on this woman. She was all woman, he was all man and his license was fully endorsed.

John: Hell is a fine and private place but, erm, none I think do they embrace, and of course… The erm, the theatre is full of luvvies, always has been. People penetrating each other’s bottoms like British railways. Over the years…

Stephen: I’m terribly sorry, I’m just so sorry, I won’t do it again, I’m very very sorry. Sorry, I’m so sorry. So sorry. So sorry.

Josie: “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” said Nick, thrusting her firmly and yet gently onto the Axminster carpet. Amanda was so glad she cleaned it only the other day.

Paul: And she thought to herself “Ah, an Axminster carpet, surely a great contribution to road safety…”

John: Crocodiles didn’t really appear in the British theatre until later on in the 20th century when all the old luvvies had covered themselves with eau de cologne. At this stage, crocodiles and alligators were seen on the English stage along with the Australians like Paul Hogan and people like that. However…”

An Englishman and an Australian Batsman meet Captain Pugwash, with Ron West as William Goldman, Griff Rhys Jones (see above) as Edward Lear, Paul Merton as Nostradamus and John Sessions as Philip Larkin

Ron: Fade up on… the village green. Cut to two cricketers with cricket bats. Cut to two scared Australians. Cut back to the two cricketers with cricket bats chasing the Australians. Cut to the Australians digging a hole, to get into the hole, to get away from the two cricketers with bats…

Griff: There (chuckles) … There was an old man of Darjeeling, whose beard reached up to the ceiling. He said to the Aussie, “…”

Paul: And lo, it will come to pass, in that far-off land of Albion, some 400 years from now, when Australians with willows will hammer the crap out of English with willows. And the English selectors, nary in their desperation will choose Captain Pugwash as opening bowler.

John: Willie one and Willie two, one day went out with Wally Grout. Sometimes they wanted him in, on other occasions out. The Black Pig it would sail the sea, sometimes to old Constantin’be, and I would have some afternoon tea, and then be sad. But then that’s me.

And finally (for this installment),

Goat Herding in Leamington Spa, with Ron West as DC Comics, Jimmy Mulville as Sigmund Freud, Paul Merton as Edgar Allan Poe and John Sessions as The Diaries of Andy Warhol.

Ron: Superman was trapped on the planet Pluto with a goat. “What good are you?” said Superman, “You’re only a goat! How can you help me get out of this? I’ve been weakened by Kryptonite! I need something stronger than a goat!” “Sorry”, said the goat.

Jimmy: (German accent) So you zink you’re a goat. It vas quite obvious to me that this man thought he was a penis.

Paul: As Superman and the goat conversed on the surface of Pluto they could hear a distant knocking from the graveyard: it was time to bring granny up again. The premature burial that had haunted the family over the generations had come back to haunt them. Whenever they buried a member of the family they put a packet of Ritz crackers in there and a telephone just to keep them going, but…

John: I was going to get out of bed, but I couldn’t make up my mind whether to or not. Then I remembered that Bianca Jagger, Jules Olitski and Bobby Raucshenberg were coming round. “Hi, Andy!” “Hi, Bobby! Hi, Bianca! Hi, Juels!” I said. I made them a cup of coffee.

To be continued….

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