The “Courtroom Scene” from Whose Line Is It Anyway?

The “Courtroom Scene” was another offering of pure mayhem from Whose Line Is It Anyway?  It feature all the four performers – one as the judge, and another as the prosecutor, while the other two are given a selection of hats to choose from and act as witnesses in the given case, which was suggested by the studio audience.

Some examples for your amusement….

A Crime of Passion with Stephen Frost as the Prosecutor, Jim Sweeny as the Judge, and Tony Slattery and Steve Steen as the witnesses.

Stephen: Thank you, m’lud. A crime of passion is the worst crime to commit.. involving.. passion.

Jim: Oh well put, sir. Well put.

Stephen: There, I rest my case. No, I would like to call my first witness, who was a witness to the murder on the 4th of the 9th of January. (Tony enters in a flying helmet with goggles)

Stephen: Could you state your full name and occupation.

Tony: My name is Princess Margaret! (gives Stephen the “two finger salute”)

Stephen: And what do you do?

Tony: I’m very soon in line for the throne, and can I have a drink?

Stephen: No, I’m sorry we cannot oblige you at this time, Princess Margaret. (bows) Could you tell… (Tony headbutts Stephen, who falls to the floor)

Jim: Oh, excellently put I felt! Who’s your next witness? Move this thing along, I’ve got a very important lunch.

Stephen: M’lud, this next witness I think will crack this case wide open. (Steve enters wearing a child’s hat)

Stephen: Now this bor, poor boy here, has no parents, as they both murdered each other in a lover’s argument. Could you explain what it was about, Little Billy?

Steve: It was all about you. It was about you coming inbetween them, the way you did.

Stephen: (pauses) Well, it was one of those nights!

Steve: I think you’ve been drinking! I smell drunk man’s drink on your breath!

Stephen: I, I suggest you withdraw that!

Steve: Alright… (makes rewinding sound, Stephen goes and gets into intelligible discussion with Jim. Tony enters in a Robin Hood hat and slaps his thigh)

Stephen: M’lud, this is my star witness, the late… Freddie Johnson.

Tony: Oh no he isn’t!

Audience: Oh yes he is!

Tony: Oh yes he is! I’m just fresh from panto! Whaddaya wanna know? Look at that! (hits Stephen and does a silly dance)

Jim: Oh yes, an excellent witness! Ask him to do the pussy joke, would you?

Stephen: I’m afraid not, m’lud. Could you raise…

Tony: No, I want to do the pussy joke!

Stephen: No, you can’t do the pussy joke!

Tony: All right!

Stephen: Raise your right hand. (Tony does) Now your left hand. (Tony does, again) Ha-haa! (tickles under Tony’s arms)

Jim: Very good, I’ve heard more than enough, you’ve outlined your case very well.

Stephen: Thank you, m’lud.

Jim: I have no choice but to find the person guilty because they’re obviously not a mason.

Clive: Well, we started and ended on a satirical note, the rest was pure… farce, but there we are. I’ve got some points to award, but I’ll do that later.

Lets take Stolen Lego Bricks. Jim Sweeny (judge), Paul Merton (prosecutor), and Tony Slattery and Steve Steen as the witnesses.

Jim: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, we shall now hear the prosecution

Paul: I will prove to you mi’lord that some Lego Bricks have been stolen by a person or persons unknown

Jim: Whoopie-doopie, I can barely wait, lead on

Paul: I would like to call my first witness “Boppo the Clown”

Jim: Boppo the Clown??!!

Tony: (in small pink hat) (does weird dance)

Paul: No further questions, mi’lord

Jim: Your next witness is…?

Paul: I would like to call the Roman em-em-emporer, who had a stutter, which is why I stuttered there, to make him feel at home. I would like to call I Claudius

Jim: Spendid

Steve: (wearing Roman reef)

Paul: Is your first name “I”?

Steve: y-y-y-y-y-y-yes

Paul: Whose bloody fingerprints were they on the mantlepiece?

Steve: Sissy Fairfax

Paul: (to Jim) Sissy Fairfax. No further question mi’lord

Jim: Objection!!

Paul: Objection? What is this objection, mi’lord?

Jim: No idea. Carry on

Paul: I would like to call a surprise witness, Ms. Sissy Fairfax herself.

Jim: You didn’t tell me!

Paul: Yes, I know, it’s a surprise witness. I surprised myself

Tony: (in pointy hat) I’m here

Paul: Sissy Fairfax, are you not eligible for a Government grant?

Tony: Yes, I am, you left your underpants in the kitchen

Paul: (to Jim) I would like to take this witness home and roger him

Jim: Very well, case dismissed

To be continued….

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