Clive Anderson on Whose Line Is It Anyway? II

I was telling you about Clive Anderson, the (mostly) unflappable host of Whose Line Is It Anyway? – a post which allowed him to initiate and then preside over some of the most imaginative and manical improvisational comedy ever seen.

His spats with some of the performers were also mayhem. Some examples, if I may

Clive vs Greg Proops

Clive: (picking a crisis for Superheroes) Perishing Elastic

Greg: What was that?

Clive: Perishing Elastic… elastic is a substance we have over here that stretches. It perishes, things fall down, things go wrong.

Greg: When’s it gonna stop, huh? The aggression?

Clive: When you give us our colonies back… So, you’re Mr Muscle/Mr Zimmer Man and the problem is perishing elastic.

Greg: We call Zimmerframes “Walkers”, for our American friends.

Clive: Oh, do you? They’re crisps over here and you’re just one letter away from what we call you.

Greg: (starts)(sounds old) Well, I better… (mimes breaking zimmer) I am so powerful, I knew I was gonna break this zimmerframe. I’ll throw it towards the prat with the bald head.

Clive: (Starting Superheroes) What superheroes should Greg be?

Audience Member #1: Useless Man

Clive: Useless Man?

Audience Member #2: Caterpillar Man

Clive: Caterpillar Man… That kind of, gives him more to play with. Useless is… kind of what he is. I didn’t mean that. Caterpillar Man is very good. What is the problem…?

Audience Member #3: Pants are too small

Clive: Pants are too small? We’ve done that haven’t we?

Greg: If we have, I sure it was fraught with hilarity

Clive: Well, with that challenge, let’s go ahead… pants are too small… You’re Captain Caterpillar

Greg: Captain Caterpillar?

Clive: You can bring elements of Useless Man, if you want

Greg: I’ll be Captain Caterpillar, and you just sit there and be Useless Man like usual… is it about time to make some kind of inappropriate American reference here?

Clive: Not yet, you do the show… Yank

Greg: I can take a few hits…

Clive: Get on with it, Greg!!!

Abother one

Clive: (starting Party Quirks) Is the party ready, Greg?

Greg: Yes, it’s a come-as-Colin-doing-a-dinosaur-impression (does Colin’s dinosaur impression)

Clive: Colin is good at dinosaurs. Better than, say, you?

Greg: You know, I could sit in that chair and smart-off and you can get your butt up here and work.

Clive: Well, you get a better agent. (rings the bell)

Greg: (mimes holding the ‘door’ closed) Oh, I can hold this door closed for as long as you have quips…

Clive: What are you…?

Greg: …but I won’t.

Clive: What are you hoping to do? Wear my finger out? (stops ringing bell, sticks middle finger up) I’ve had long years of practice with that finger!

Another example…

Clive: (introducing Sports Commentators) You have sport in America, right?

Greg: Yeah, and sometimes we beat the Germans (gets booed at by the audience). That’s because we never play them.

Clive: You do in the war… when you join in (gets cheered by audience). I don’t think the Germans play Baseball.

Greg: I’d like to chat, but I’m a little busy doing an improv show.

Clive: Have you worked out what the simple words mean yet?

Greg: (laughs) Yes, I have Mr. A.

Clive: Jolly good.

Greg: Maybe you’re confusing this with your other show, where you just talk, talk, talk and never let anyone else speak.

Another one…

Clive: What superhero is Greg? (audience member shouts out “Jelly Man”).

Greg: You got a different jelly over here.

Clive: Well, what do you call it?

Greg: We call it jell-o.

Clive: Oh right, so when I say “Jelly” I mean “Jello” in America.

Greg: (Starts laughing) and whenever I say “naff git” that means “Clive Anderson”.

And there is still more…..

Clive: What country should this report be set in? (audience member shouts out Nicaragua). So Nicaragua it is.

Greg: As we say in the States, Nickera-gwa.

Clive: Nickera-gwa?

Greg: We don’t pronounce every single letter. Like your name is Cliv.

Clive: And yours is “Wally” over here.

Greg: He shoots, he scores!


Clive ordering a Hoedown

Clive: In the style of someone’s hobby.

Audience Members: “Making cheese”, “masturbation”, various others)

Clive: Making cheese. There was a cry of “masturbation” but I think you’re on your own on that. I don’t know about it myself, let’s do the making cheese hoedown.

Greg: You got it, Clive.

Clive: You sing it, Greg.

Greg: Stand-by, fresh funk-meister.

Clive: Get on with it, before my funk gets stale. 

Another round of Superheroes.

Clive: You’re Junk Man. Ok? We want a crisis that he’s gonna, some crisis facing the world, or some problem he’s gotta solve.

Audience Member: English television! [crowd boos]

Clive: Oh, dear! [Greg points and laughs at Clive] So, Junk…Junk Man has gotta solve English television’s problem… [crowd cheers] …though it’s thoughtfully obvious that Junk Man would just turn it into American television, but there we go – [crowd boos Clive] – oh, that’s gonna get the crowd on my side, isn’t it?

Greg: Bad call, homeslice!

And to end with this…

Dating Service Videos– Greg is wearing a Greek Ruler hat

Greg: I am Vishnu, the destroyer  [buzz]

Greg: Come with me or perish. [buzz again]

Greg: Date me or face the bald man!  [Clive is really mad; Greg finally walks off]

To be continued…..


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