Whimsical Post #16: Talking like a German philosopher

It is the belief of certain people that I make things seem much more convoluted or difficult then they usually are. I may agree – to a point. And as I have said it is a special skill, vouchsafed to certain categories of people – like German philosophers. I daresay that, in their own way, tax officials and lawyers and computer programmers may exhibit this skill too but it is the first category that I have been inspired by…to some extent. However, you may very well wonder how these admirable body of men sound in full flow. Some examples for your benefit – dont worry about the source and where the speaker’s name is left blank, consider me in the role. 

“I don’t know if you have read Ofleberger’s Die Wesentlichen Ungewissheiten Zugehörig der Offenkundigen Männlichkeit“?


“I believe, Miss ~,” he said from his mattress, “that the work you are looking for in Trousenblert’s Der Selbst Uberschritten durch das Genze.'”

They all looked down at ~ again, mouths open. He had opened his eyes again and appeared to be staring at the ceiling. “It is the lonely soul trying to reach out to the shared soul of all humanity, and possibly much further. W.E.G. Goodnight’s translation of In Search of the Whole is marred,  while quite understandable, by the mistranslation of ‘bewußteinsschwelle’ as ‘haircut’ throughout'”.

Another one….

“Well,” he said, stuttering slightly, ” I think I would say that you should look behind the door to face the things that you do not want to know so we may confront them together. That would certainly be the advice of Von Kladpoll in Doppelte Berührengssempfinding. Indeed, doing so would almost be a fundamental part of the analysis of the hidden mind.”

And finally, a way to describe the dynamics of football….

Despite the patient stupidity of the question, ~ seemed to think deeply. “One must consider the horizons of possibility,” he said slowly. “E Pluribus Unum, the many become one, but it could just as easily be said that the one becomes many, Ex uno multi, and indeed as Von Sliss said in The Effluence of Reality, the one, when carefully considered, may in fact be a many in different clothing.”

~ looked at the girl’s face. Her expression hadn’t moved and neither had her pencil. ~ smiled to himself and continued. “Now let us consider this in the light, as it may be, of the speeding ball. Where it has come from we believe we know, but where it will land is an ever-changing conundrum, even if only considered in four-dimensional space. And then we have the existential puzzle that confronts the striker. for he is both striker and struck. As the ball flies, all possibilities are inexorably linked as Herr Frugal said in Das Nichts des Wissens, ‘Ich kann mich nicht genau erinnern, aber es war so etwas wie eine Vanillehaltige susse Nachspeisenbeigabe’, although I believe he was on some medication at the time. Who is mover and who is moved? Given that the solution can only be arrived at through conceptual manifestation using, I believe, some perception of transfinite space, it can clearly be seen that among the possibilities is that the ball will land everywhere at the same time or turn out never to have been kicked at all. It is my job to reduce this metaphysical overhead, as it were, and to give my lads some acceptable paradigm such as, it might be, whack it right down the middle, and at least if the goalie stoips it, you will have given him a hot handful he won’t forget in a hurry.”

“You see the thing about football is that it is not about football. It is a most fascinating, multidimensional philosophy, an extrusion, as were, of what Doctor Maspinder promulgated in Das Meer von Unvermedlichkeit. Now you would say to me, I am sure,” he went on, “What of the 4-4-2 or even the 4-1-2-1, yes? And my answer to that would be; There is only the one. Traditionally we say there are eleven players in the team but that is because of our rather feeble perceptions. In truth, there is only the one and therefore I would say,” he gave a little laugh, “daring to adapt a line from The Doors of Deception : It does not matter whether you win or lose so long as you score the most goals.”

The girl looked down at her notepad. “Could you give that to me a little more simply?”

“Oh, I am sorry,” said he, “I  thought I had.”

 Need I say more?


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