Goodbye, Moin/Moin bhai, alvida…some memories/kuch yaadein II

And continuing my tribute to the enormously-gifted Moin Akhtar – whose untimely death Friday (April 22, 2o11) deprived us all of his remarkable presence – with a description of his role in that uproarious stage play “Bakra Qiston Pe”. Maine guzashta roz unka is drame mein – meri samajh main – sabse behtareen manzar aapko pesh kiya tha. Now I will deal with his role in chronological order.

Moin is mein Ilyas urf Anand Kumar Sharma, ek adakar jo aajkal Hindustani filmon mein kaam kar rah hai,  ka kirdar nibhaate hai aur saath se hi saath Prof Nizami (Umar Sharif) ki ek beti se mohabbat karte hai, aur usse shaadi karna chahte hai. Even before he appears on stage, he marks his presence by being the anonymous caller, who rings up at the professor’s house, impersonates various overseas relatives, and then slips in the line “Buddha ghar pe hai? (Is the old man at home?) “ , thoroughly enraging the professor who once says, to his servant Sharfu, “Bete, ise kisi tarah gher ke laayo. Maarenge!” Berhaal, draame ke kuch paune ghante hone ke baad woh khud naazil hote hai – introduced by the professor’s lovely daughter. Chaliye, us manzar par aate hai…

Ek bemisal haseena baaye traf ke darwaaze se daakhil hoti hai, aur kuch andar chal ke, mudh ke kehti hai: “Anand, aa jao.”

In comes Anand, dressed in a full-sleeved, black t-shirt and trousers, sporting dark goggles, and puffing a cigarette. Walks jauntily till nearly the other end of the stage, peering around. Main us ki chaal lafzon mein nahi bayaan kar sakta hoon…. Aapko khud hi dekhna hoga (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CH3hZiSap4w&feature=related).

Anand: ‘Suno”

Haseena: “Haan”

Anand: “Buddha ghar pe hai?”

Haseena (shrugs in exasperation, frowns with her pretty face): “Tumse kitni martaba kaha hai tameez se baat kiya karo.”

Anand (shrugs and spreads out hands expansively): “Janti nahi ho yeh mera style hai, Indian filme meri kamzori hai, Rekha meri manzil hai.”

Haseena (with expression of extreme bewilderment/disbelief): “KYa? Magar tum to mujh se pyaar karte ho.”

Anand: “Pyaar to tum se karta hoon, haasil Rekha ko karna chahta hoo, khwar Sridevi ko karunga, aur waise bhi suna hai ke Salma Agha aajkal khaali hai.”

Haseena: “Oh fo! Bhayi, aaakhir hamare mulk mein kis cheez ki kami hai ke har waqt India ki tareef karte ho?”

Anand: “Hamare mulk mein agar kisi cheez ki kami hai to voh apne mulk ki cheezen pasand karne ki kami hai. Jab tak mera naam Ilyaas tha mujh pe makhi nahi baithti thi. Aur jab se maine badal ke apna naam Anand Kumar Sharma rakh liya hai, subah, dopahr, shaam, teeno show houseful jaa rahe hai, tenno show houseful jaa rahe hai.”

Haseena: “Aur agar us ladkiyo ke rush mein tum mujhe bhul gaye to?”

Anand: “To phir tum bhi mujhe bhul jaana, paro!”

Haseena: “To kya pyaar bhulane ke liye hota hai?”

Anand: “Na na! Aajkal pyar saatane ke liye hota hai, tapaane ke liye hota hai, jalaane ke liye hota hai, pataane ke liye hota hai, bhagaane ke liye hota hai, phasaane ke liye hota hai, shaadi ke liye nahi hota.”

Haseena (losing patience, and striding towards him): “Oof, Khuda ke liye! Khuda ke liye, meri khaatir pakiostan laut aao. Pakistani ban jaao.”

Anand: “SHUTUP!”

Haseena (cowed down): “Ooh!” (increases distance from him)

Anand: “Jab main seeda-sada Pakistani tha maine tumse baat karne ki koshish ki. Tumhe yaad hai tumne kya kaha…”

Haseena (cutely nods):  “Mm mmm!”

Anand: “…tumne kaha pare hath, bawle! Aur tumhe yaad hai tum jahaaz mein air hostess thi, fly kar rahi thi, aur main dum mein baitha huya tha…”

Haseena: “Mm mmm!”

Anand: “…Maine tumse dum mein se kaha. Maine kaha main tum se mohabbat karta hoon, tumse shaadi karna chahta hoon, tumhe yaad hai tumne kya kaha…”

Haseena: “Maine kaha tha ‘Get Out'”.

Anand:“Cor-rect! Main itna bawla us waqt bhi nahi tha ke chalte jahaaz se kood jaata. Aur Aaj, aaj jab Pakistani kore latthe pe ‘Made in India’ ki mohur lag ke aa gayi hai, to thaan dhadhadar bikh raha hai, dhadhadar bikh raha hai, dhadhadar bikh raha hai, dhadhadar bikh raha hai!”

Haseena: “Magar tum to kehte tha tum mere bina zinda nahi sakte ho….”

Anand: “Arre, chalo, chalo, chalo! Aajkal ham ladko ke paas itna faaltu waqt nahi hai ke tum jaisi ladkiyon ke peeche apna waqt barbaad kare”

Haseena: “KYA?”

Anand: “Aur nahi to kya! Arre shukar karo ham tumhari taraf dekh bhi lete hai. Agar ham na dekhe to tumhari saari zidagi aaene se yeh poochti guzar jaayegi ke batao to sahi main kaise hoon”

Expression of great disbelief on Haseena’s pretty face, raises hand to head

To be continued/Jaari rahega….

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