Main Moin Akhtar sahab, jo ab hamare beech mein na rahe, ki yaaadgaar mein unke ek behtareen adakari ka manzar aapke saamne pesh kar rahe tha. Is silsile ko aage anjaam diya jaaye…. Agar aap pichle qiston ko dekhe, to us mein aapko baqi pesh-manzar faraham ho jaayega.
Haan, ek baat aur – Pichle ‘post’ mein aakhir ki taraf aur yahan waali mein mein, khwaatin-o-hazrat, aapke liye nasihat hai. Tavajju chahunga aap sab ka…. aqlmand ke liye ishaara kafi hai….
Anand: “…Saari saari zindagi bardasht karte hai, saari saari zindagi… Chauthe din aeena bhi kahega ‘Pare hat nahi to deta hoon chapaat'”.
Haseena (a little theatrically): “Magar tum to meri aankhon ki badi tareef karte the. Kehte the tumhari aankhen to jheel jaisi hai…”
Anand: “Haan, dimagh phir gaya tha ke kaha tha tumhari aankhen jheel jaisi hai… Aur tum mujhe usi jheel mein gharq karne ke chakkar mein ho. Arre tum jaisi che sau chhattis ladkiya mere aage peeche ghoomti hai. Out, out, out, get out, OUT you go…” (flicking hand dismissively)
Haseena (whose hands rose to cheeks during Anand’s last statement…quite dramatically): ‘Theek hai, JAAa rahi hoon…”
Anand (seeming to realise and climb down): “Aree suno suno, main to keh raha is tarah ke ghatiya ladke bhi to hote hai jo aisi ghatiya baate karte hai.”
Haseena (laughs in relief, and clutches her hand with both hands in greater relief): “Oh ho, tumne to mujhe dara hi diya.”
Anand (laughs a little sheepishly, and dances a little jig): “Main bhi dar gaya tha (punches arm in air)
Haseena: “Achcha meri baat suno…”
Anand: “Haan bolo”
Haseena (keeping hand on heart): “Voh jo meri daddy hai, voh zara puraani khayalat ke maalik hai. Pakistani cheezen pasand karte hain woh bhi puraani.”
Anand (confidently): “Arre, don’t you worry, set kar loonga. Tum mujhe sirf itna batao….
Anand: “..Ke is waqt buddha ghar pe hai?”
(Unfortunately, it is precisely this time that her father, Prof Nizami (Umar Sharif) is entering the stage from the left hand side wings. On hearing this, he stops in his tracks… and eyes the phone suspiciously. Anand who has just exhaled a cloud of smoke, glances to his side, sees him and with a worried look on his face, hurries to stub his cigarette)
Nizami (walks to the phone, gingerly picks it up): “Hulloo?”
Anand (in softer, accented voice): “Hello”
Anand: “Sir, there is a call for you from Brazil. Would you like to talk, please?”
Nizami (impressed): “Yes, yes. For me?”
Anand: “Yes sir.”
Nizami: “Go ahead.”
Anand: “Alright sir, please carry on.” (switches back to normal voice) Hello, salam alaikum.”
Anand: “Oye, buddha ghar pe hai?”
Nizami (jerks away receiver as if stung by it. Addressing receiver while wagging finger): “Beta, ek baar tera ghar pata chal jaaye. Mujhe bhi bhoolne ki bimaari hai. Phit tu saari zindagi puchta phirega ke amma ghar par hai?” (keeps receiver down, walks away, returns and kicks table on which telephone is kept. See daughter and stranger)
Haseena: “Uhh uhh…”
Anand (enthusiastically waves): “Hello, uncle hi!”
Nizami impatiently chivies Haseena to his left with grunts: “Yahin khadi ho..”
Nizami: “Ah…chupp. Kaun hai yeh?”
Haseena: “Yeh yeh Anand hai. Jis flight pe mein safar karti hoon, usi flight par safar karte hai…”
Nizami (fixes pipe in mouth): “Ohhh… az fizayi khwar hai…”
Anand: “Jee, sir.”
Nizami: “Aasmani chichore…”
Anand (enthusiastically nods): “Right, sir.”
Nizami (looks towards Haseena, adopts accent): “Ahhha, ok, no problem, I’ll talk to him, no problem, i’ll talk… (looks at Anand) Boy, whats your good name, please?”
Anand (approaches close, rocks on his feet): “Sir, my name is Anand Kumar Sharma.”
Nizami (snaps): “Sharm karo! (Abashed Anand retreats) “Buzurgon ke saamne khade ho ke uchak rahe ho… Shut up (adopts same accent) Boy, are you Indian?”
Anand: “No sir, I am very much Pakistani.”
Nizami: “Ohhh, You, local…”
Anand: “Correct, sir”
Nizami: “Okay, okay (in sudden rage) SHUT UP! Pakistani ho ke Indian waala naam, Mussalman ho ke Hinduon waala naam! Yeh doglapan ham pasand nahi karte. Ham kehte hai nikal jaayo ghar se. I say Get Out!”
Anand (approaching him, and with equal intensity: “SHUT UP!”
Anand: “Maine apna naam Ilyas se badal ke Anand Kumar rakh liya to aap mujhe dogla keh rahe hai, Aur voh jo Yusuf Khan hai jis ne apna naam Dilip Kumar rakha hai, voh jab Pakistan aaya to puri qaum ne use sar pe bitha liya…”
Nizami (stumped, looks at Haseena and they both nod at the validity of the point): ‘Bete, ho sakta hai qaum Saira Bano ke chakkar mein thi.
Anand (impressed): Here lies the point, sir, here lies the point….
Nizami: “Thank you, thank you…”
To be continued…